Jealousy

Jealousy is defined as feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages.

I don't usually get jealous about things. True, there are days I am envious of those who were smarter in college than me and are now business execs or doctors as they are financially more comfortable than me, but usually I could care less what others do or don't do, have or don't have.

Usually.

I am not proud of having this emotion, but lately, I've had it and thought it wasn't a big deal, but the fact I've been thinking about it for days, it's obviously worth writing about (this is after all going to be my journal).

I am jealous of the fact that because I do not have children, the person who would be my children's grandmother is bestowing her love, emotions, and finances towards others' children.

As I will be getting married older, if the bloody event occurs at all, my mother may not be around, and so in turn, my children will never be able to be a part of her giving. My future children, if there are any, are missing out due to my lack of finding someone competent enough to be with long enough to produce said children.

Stupid emotion to have, I realize, but it's there. I'm jealous that others are receiving the love and giving that my own nonexistent children should be receiving.

Again, stupid, but it leaves me to think.

I, along with my future children, will be without, while those who are currently living 'the dream', are with.

I should be used to this by now, but it still hurts and it still isn't easy to get over.